Medical trial

Session two of my medical trial is tomorrow and I am not looking forward to it, this is due to a couple of reasons.

1: Whilst the doctor is nice he is pants with needles and I am a big wimp. This means there will be pain and discomfort.
2: I have to walk around nude in a medial gown (except for nickers) and then have stuff put on my chest, so embarrassing and generally unpleasant.
3: The medical trial will in no way help me medically.

So why do I do it?
Well because it might help someone else and I guess that makes it worth it in the end. After all if no one had done medical trials for the stuff I take I never would have gotten the medication and wouldn't be getting better, so I can't really turn down the chance to help other people and still face myself in the mirror no matter how uncomfortable, painful and embarrassing it might be.

Sherlock Holmes

A new series of Sherlock Holmes has started on the BBC. If you were unlucky enough to miss the first season but do have access to the BBC I suggest you watch it. I found the first 4 episodes very entertaining and the 1st episode of this season did not disappoint either.

For the ones of you who hasn't watched it, it is set in the current day England and runs along the original idea of Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson solving crimes. I don't generally do reviews and I don't know who to explain what is so good about it except that it's funny and smart.

Another good thing is the fact that the episodes are long, just over 1 & 1/2 hours. I believe it did quite well and the first season was also later shown in Sweden so I am sure my friends there will also be waiting for the next season eagerly.

The last season was only 4 episodes long and I hope that was just to see how well it went the first time around and that this season will be longer, but I would assume that due to the length of each episode this might not be the case.



When the series first was shown there was some mentioning about whether or not Sherlock is gay and I found that a bit absurd, not because it matters if he is or isn't (though clearly it did to the people mentioning it) but because I think the writers was trying to make it clear that it didn't matter and that as with everything to do with Sherlock Holmes it is a mystery. No one knows what goes on in his head and that is the point.

I wish I could meet someone as interesting in real life, no scratch that I wish I was that interesting in real life.

Writing

I don't think I have enough patience when I write. I will get this idea in my head of a scene and then I build the storyline around the scene rather then building scenes around the storyline, and I always want to get to the point straight away so it's hard for me to keep a story going.



For the first time in a long time I have this idea of a story line in my head which I actual quite like and now I just have to figure out how to put it down on paper without jumping straight to the punchline. Also I have no scenes planned, so I am in a position which feels strange to me.



I've also written a short children's story and gotten a friend to agree to paint the pictures which I am looking forward to. But since I wrote it I have decided I am not happy with it so now I am writing and rewriting it over and over. I wonder if it will be the same story once I am done or in fact if I will ever be done.

I think it would really help if I could find a local writing course to attend but as the one I applied for got cancelled I am not sure I will have much luck with that.

So it's 2012

So it's a new year, 2012 has arrived with economical crises, the Olympics, the Queen's jubilee and probably a whole list of other things I don't find interesting.

On a more personal front the year has started with my health slightly deteriorating again and joblessness.
As for the health there isn't much I can do except keep up with the things I think helps and try new things. At the moment I am considering a dairy free diet though I must admit I would find that hard, a lot harder then the gluten free diet I tried in the beginning of 2011.
As for the job I did resign, not get terminated so I can't really complain about that. Even though I do worry about these things I know it was the right thing to do.
I have a friend at work who has loudly proclaimed that she thinks I was doing the wrong thing, whilst I am all for people having there opinion I wish she would be a bit more on my side in this, as whilst I know it was the right thing to do, it was also the hard thing to do.
So why did I resign? Well I guess the reasons are always personal and whilst I don't mind explaining I am not sure most people understand my reasons.
I am a very hardworking person and to conscientious for my own good, I want to work but work was turning into a chore. I spent almost all my time there every day and I worked so very hard but didn't get anything out of it. No appreciation for the hours and with no future prospect with anywhere to go within the company.
On a more basic level it's got to do with me being sick. I got the job before I got sick and I never intended to stay, it was meant to help me save up so I could do what I wanted to do - travel. But then I did get sick and for the last year and a half I have been too sick to look for work anywhere else. And as much as I hate it I will probably always be too sick to just pack my bags and go. I can't just decide I want to move to another country even temporarily, because I need to think about getting my medicine and the fact that in most counties I wouldn't keep getting them, at least not my injections.
So suddenly I do need to think about making a carer for myself and that sucks big time! All I like to do is write, travel, make jewellery and sing. And whilst I would love to be a journalist working as a war correspondent abroad that isn't going to happen now is it!? And my illness means I have not made jewellery for one whole year. As for the singing I am nether good enough or pretty enough to make it.

But I need to start somewhere and at least try, so I am trying. I am trying to find a job I like and I am thinking very hard about something I would like to study (sadly I am coming up with nothing so far), I am trying to write and I am even going to try to make jewellery again.

I quit work because now I can look for another job, and for the first time in what feels like a very long time, I have options again.
Mostly I am painfully aware of the fact that life is too short and too fickle for you to waste your time being unhappy.

I am trying my hand at writing

Before I moved to the UK I used to write a lot. Mainly just poems and fairy tales, all of them ridiculously romantic and hopeful. Then I moved to the UK and there was no time to write, no energy left to try and put thought down into words.

The years past and I started to write again. It was no longer poems or romantic fairy tales but darker and slightly more explicit. And whilst some of them were OK they have definitely lost something that I used to have when writing back in Sweden. Partly I think it's because I changed language. I was always were good at words in Swedish, both spelling and knowing the meaning of words that most people didn't (though I have always sucked at grammar) and now I write in a language that isn't my first language and were I do not know the meaning of as many words, and my spelling generally requires spell check.
I think there are other reasons too, such as the person has changed and so has the stories I want to tell.

As part of needing to rethink what I am going to do with the rest of my life (thanks to the RA making it very clear that I can't do the things I wanted anymore) I bought a book about writing and already in the first chapter I realised something else which I have lost, I realised I don't do descriptive writing anymore. I specifically recalled a fairy tale that my Friends really like because of the description of the girl in the beginning, "with golden hair, like a field of corn in the sunshine" or something like that, so right now I am practicing descriptive writing.
The bit below I wrote about a can of red bull during my lunch break at work. I thought I should try to pick something very random and see if I could write something about it:

"The can stood on a dirty canteen table, crumbles of food and sauce sashes scattered around it. The can was open and empty, it's content drunk and the can forgotten. It's metal blue and silver shine in sharp contrast to the dull magnolia of the table it stood on."

It doesn't exactly make for exiting reading but I though it's a good start.

I even signed up for a evening course at Reading college but sadly it got cancelled at the last minute :-( So I guess for now I will just have to keep practicing on my own.

What's next

I haven't been happy at work for quite some time so the other week I asked for a meeting with my boss and told her that I either wanted a raise or for the agency (I temp through an agency for the agency) to start looking for something else. I was told I wouldn't get a raise and as such the looking commenced. Now I know i could just not have said anything and looked anyway but that would mean that 2 of the companies i would like to work for were out of the question and with the hours I work it would be very hard to go to interviews etc. Also and most importantly for me I believe in being straight forward even if the company I work for isn't, I guess I'm still a firm be liver that honesty pays and sure hope I wont be proven wrong.
As it stands the have now found someone else to do my jobs and in a couple of weeks I will be out of a job, the thing is I felt so much after taking the step so I do believe that was the right choice.
Now the problem lays in getting a job I want, I know from my past work history that I should not have a problem finding another job (the longest I've ever been unemployed is just over 1 week), but I also know that if I take any job to tie me over until I find a job I want, the likelihood is that I will get stuck there. Being a person that detest not working as it means not making any money I do have a tendency in the past to settle.
After getting RA and realising how precious life is I just don't want to waste anymore time.
So the question is what do I do now. Do I take a part time job to help me get along which will give me the time to still look or do I not risk it and take another crappy ass temp job with lousy pay hoping I'm able to still look for something else? Or is there a third option?

Don't be afraid of the dark...

I was walking home from Lindy hop this evening and it made me think about the dark.
My colleagues at work keep telling me off because I generally walk home in the dark, they are worried that one of these day I will be attacked by some shifty character. Whilst I of course appreciate that they care this is not something I worry about but thinking about it I realise how much that means I've changed.
When I was young I was really afraid of the dark, I especially remember a period when I could not decide if it was best to keep my light on or off at night. My reasoning had something to do with that if the lights were off the monsters could sneak up on me but if the light were on well then they would know where I was, so yeah that was a complicated time for someone afraid of the dark. I would also be really afraid when cycling or walking to the bus stop in the morning during the darker part of the year and would cycle frantically to get away from anything scary, or whilst walking would try to look like I wasn't afraid (because whilst I could cycle quicker then the monster I couldn't run quicker then them).

But these days I really like the dark - sometimes I even take the long way home through the forest and then by the canal. To me the dark is just very peaceful, it's all quite with no annoying people around and whilst there might be shifty people hiding in the dark that I can't see they more then likely can't see me either. It's like for a short period time stands still and you are the only one left in existence.

When I was younger I found this Swedish called Don't be afraid of the dark (var inte rädd för mörkret) and whilst I would read it to myself when walking though the dark to stop myself from being afraid I now actually believe the words.