You get what anyone gets, you get a lifetime.

On Saturday I re watched the fault in our stars, if you haven't seen it do. I've never watched a movie which made me cry so much but somehow still didn't make me feel awful, just a bit sad and, I don't know, contemplative maybe? Then today I read what in essence was a eulogy by Neil Gaiman about an author who I have to admit I've never read. The eulogy was old but he linked to it on his Facebook page and me being me I decided to read it (you can read it here). The whole thing was beautiful and I can only hope that someone thinks half the things about me once I am gone (and hopefully whilst I'm here). One of the sentences that made me think was about when he would go and visit, after they found out she had cancer  
"Each time, I'd take a few minutes at the end and I'd make sure that I'd said to Diana anything I wanted to be sure that I'd said, because I knew I might not see her again, and unsaid things are the hardest" 
It made me think if I had things I'd want to say but never do and truth is I probably do. I think when it comes to direct family here in the UK I do say that I love them and am proud of them etc but when it comes to my family in Sweden or my close friends here I don't think I am anywhere near as good. With my family it's hard because whilst I feel that way I don't see them as much and I think we've lost a lot of the connection we had, not so much with my parents but with my siblings. My sister made this fly away comment the last time I was home and I realised her perception of my character was based on how I was as a teenager rather than how I am today which in a lot of parts is very different. I know she didn't mean anything by it and it wasn't mean, it just makes me sad to think that in their eyes I've not grown, all the things I've accomplished somehow doesn't exist because I did them so far away from home. It also made me think that they might not know how proud of them I am and that I really should find a way to tell them and hope that somehow I can tell them over the gap that is now our lives.  

As for friends I think my character can come across as quite cold, not because I am but because I say what I think without any emotion necessarily coming across, even thought I feel it. Saying you love something with a blank face apparently isn't the same as saying it whilst jumping up and down with excitement.  I recently found out that when I started my new job I was seen as quite intimidating, at least until they got to know me, and people know I'm not keen on human contact, which isn't really true but it's hard to explain that I don't like it until I truly know you, once I do it's fine, so they all just assume it's best not to touch me. I hope that the people who really know me get that I do care for them a lot but reading the eulogy I think I may need to go out of my comfort zone and tell them, just because I don't need it affirmed in that manner doesn't mean that other people don't.

I guess I think about death a lot, which weird people out. Plus I spend a disproportionate time in graveyards to take pictures as I find them calming and somehow reassuring. So many people (including my family) seem to hate talking about death but I find some comfort in knowing its something which will happen to us all even if it's likely to come before I would like it to.

I could be anywhere else but here

I was sitting doing updates on Pinterest and Etsy when I for some reason started thinking about traveling. Being so much better it's something that keeps popping up in my head, thoughts of all the places I've been and all the places I would like to go. Last year was the first year since I got sick that I traveled somewhere other than Sweden and the UK. I had two nice short trips with friends to Paris and Marrakesh. However though it's hard to explain what I mean that just doesn't feel like what I miss. I think I miss the longer trips of spending weeks in a faraway place, and I prefer smaller groups of people and am  not one for going out partying or looking in clothes shops etc, I would much rather trek through a jungle or walk through a local market. So I guess that's what I miss, I miss discovering and sleeping outside or in small hostels, I miss meeting new people and just going off somewhere on a whim (probably because that's not something I do in my day to day life). And though I feel like I shouldn't say it out loud, I miss traveling on my own...

However as I decided to cut down my hours and give my jewellery a real go I'm not sure I can afford any amazing trips anytime soon, I know it's a decision I made and I don't regret it but sometimes it still feels hard. Money doesn't bring you happiness but it would sure help.

I'm still sad a lot of my pictures got ruined when I did my big north & south America trip but realised I never posted more pics like I said I would so thought I'd add some from Ecuador. I'll post some from Peru, Bolivia and Brazil too but will do those on separate post(s) . These are obviously just some of my favorite ones from Ecuador (from the pictures that weren't lost).

Feeling always get in the way

Currently it feels like I just worry.
I worry that I did a huge mistake following my dreams and that I will end up jobless and struggling.
I worry that I wont find another part time job after this one finishes.
I worry if i do find it it wont pay enough and that I'll hate it or suck at it.
I worry that next year I wont have anything to show for this year.
I worry that I wont be able to find a well paying full time job I like again.
I worry that I will need to start all over as no one will want to hire me for a well paid job seeing I've been flitting around low paying part time jobs for a year.
I worry that I will turn 35 this year with nothing to show for it
I worry I will never be where I want to be and that who I want to be have to stay get locked away again so I can deal with all the must haves.
I worry that I have no one to talk to about how my insides wants to burst with worry.
And I worry that I should be quiet
not say
not share
just hold it in

But I know if I don't let it out once in a while it will just grow until its an immovable object slowly chocking me to death. So I need to at least write it down and let it out, to help make sure it passes joining past fear and issues and just hope that this one is just an unreasonable fear that wont ever come to pass.

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

Things are a bit crap at the moment and I am surrounded by negativity, you know,  the kind that slowly drains you of all your energy and joyfulness. There is also this bunch of friends who are aware of the current events and who are (as friends do) trying to help, however most of them (thou luckily not all) are reciting to me the worst case scenarios hoping that will somehow help and jolt me into making a decision which I am telling them I am not yet ready to make. Like I do in most things I need time to decide what road I should follow this time around, and if I make the wrong decision it should at least be mine not somebody else’s.

But as hard as it is I am refusing to be drained or coerced into anything,  so in this midst of despondence I’ve decided to make a list of all the things that are still good and shiny. The things that gives me a reason to get up in the morning and to assume that things will get better.

1: I can make jewellery again and I am in fact doing so. I would like to make this the top three reasons I’m happy but as its just one item I’ll make it one point. I just wish I could describe just how happy it makes me.  

2: My RA has been well behaved lately which is sort of connected to point one and also deserves more than one mention. I am having a small flair up at the moment but its minor compared to past aches and pains and only mentionable because of how well I’ve been feeling up until now. As over the last 2-3 weeks its almost been non-existent, until now.

3: I’ve been volunteering more and it made me remember why I started which was due to the lovely people I met there. Hanging out more with them is making me happy :)

4: The people who has understood why I need to make my mind up and aren’t pushing me to make a decision. Makes me very grateful to have them.

5: The belief some people have that I will come out on top, simply for being me. It’s nice to know someone trusts in you.

6: Think I’ve gotten better at Lindy Hop. Turns out I’m more of a lead than a follow, go figures!

7: A minor thing but the weather has been lovely lately and it makes me happy to be outside. Simple but true…

Maybe i'm just a tinker/traveller at heart

My nephew is planning to go backpacking, which I think is a wonderful idea. However its making me remember my travels before I got ill and how badly it hurt when I had to cancel my plans after being diagnosed. Its also making me think about the fact that I am a lot better now and in theory could go travelling, just as long as I'm back after a month (or maybe as bit later) to keep up my meds and blood tests etc. I have to admit I've been toying with the idea of going travelling when we get told they are getting rid of our department, not that I have admitted that out loud to anyone. However the sensible part of me think its time I decided what to do "with the rest of my life" so spending all my money on a last hail Mary might be awesome but in the long run might not be the best idea. There must surely be a way I can do both? 
Or failing that, a shorter trip that doesn't muck up my job prospects...

Money makes the world go around

Someone I know who is better of financially than me said the other day that just because they live in a fancy house whilst I just rent a room in a shared house doesn't mean they are better off.
I get they were trying to make a point but my first thought was - well obviously it doesn't? And how little do they know about me to think that? Especially seeing the point I was trying to make to the person at the time.
I don't think I've ever said that how much I make is in anyway related to my level of happiness and more importantly I'm not unhappy.
Don't get me wrong, there is stuff which isn't great, but all in all I'm happy to be alive. There has been parts of my life such as when I was really sick with RA and there was no way of knowing if I would get thru it, were dying didn't seem like such a crappy option, but these days what do I have to complain about, I mean REALLY complain about? I got RA but its under control. I have a roof over my head & food on my table (which is more than many people can say). Good friends and lots of hobbies, I even currently have a nice job (even thou that looks like it wont be around for much longer, but that's a story for another time) and I am a smart & capable woman (modesty is not one of my virtues). Life could be a lot worse.

To me being happy is the most important thing to strive for in your life, because you aren't going to be around for all that long and you really can't take it with you when you go. Saying that thou, some peoples ultimate happiness is money, so go them I guess, but its not mine.

With my job currently being up in the air I need to find something else to do and the main thing I've been thinking is that I should find something I really enjoy. Problem is I'm not sure there is anything I can make a living out of. Ideas being living off my jewellery or open a café. With jewellery I could try and see if I crash and burn and then look for a job if I do (which I'm guessing I would because that must be so hard, to sell enough to make a living) but if I go for a cafe that's serious responsibility to take on, main risk being that if it does fail I end up in debt and as someone who literally don't owe anyone a penny, that's a really really scary thought. However I guess the main question is, lying on my death bed (sound dramatic doesn't it). What will I be the most upset about? Not trying to see if I could do it or trying and failing?

Good vs Bad

Sometimes you look at the world and the amount of evil is enough to take your breath away. The newspapers and TV news show us stories about murderers and rapists, drug dealers and tyrants. Many times I have heard people whose opinions I value sound like they have lost the hope in humanity, in the face of this all consuming evil they just don't know how to proceed.

This blog post isn't about how hopeless things are or how evil is taking over the world, in fact it's quite the opposite. You see the thing which is easy to miss in the face of all this hate & greed is that the number of good people far out way the number of bad, it's just that good people don't generally make a lot of noise but bad people do. In fact they make so much noise that it appears to be more of them. Sure one bad person can make more damage then ten or more good people for example by blowing up a bomb or selling drugs or starting a freaking war! But whilst that is incredibly awful the fact still remains, most people are good not evil. And that is a good thing, a thing which in itself gives hope. I know that there is countless arguments about the fact that good people need to do something to stop the bad people etc. and I agree there are loads of things we could and should do.
But my point is, as long as there are more good then bad people in there world that must be something worth clinging to.