Before I moved to the UK I used to write a lot. Mainly just poems and fairy tales, all of them ridiculously romantic and hopeful. Then I moved to the UK and there was no time to write, no energy left to try and put thought down into words.
The years past and I started to write again. It was no longer poems or romantic fairy tales but darker and slightly more explicit. And whilst some of them were OK they have definitely lost something that I used to have when writing back in Sweden. Partly I think it's because I changed language. I was always were good at words in Swedish, both spelling and knowing the meaning of words that most people didn't (though I have always sucked at grammar) and now I write in a language that isn't my first language and were I do not know the meaning of as many words, and my spelling generally requires spell check.
I think there are other reasons too, such as the person has changed and so has the stories I want to tell.
As part of needing to rethink what I am going to do with the rest of my life (thanks to the RA making it very clear that I can't do the things I wanted anymore) I bought a book about writing and already in the first chapter I realised something else which I have lost, I realised I don't do descriptive writing anymore. I specifically recalled a fairy tale that my Friends really like because of the description of the girl in the beginning, "with golden hair, like a field of corn in the sunshine" or something like that, so right now I am practicing descriptive writing.
The bit below I wrote about a can of red bull during my lunch break at work. I thought I should try to pick something very random and see if I could write something about it:
"The can stood on a dirty canteen table, crumbles of food and sauce sashes scattered around it. The can was open and empty, it's content drunk and the can forgotten. It's metal blue and silver shine in sharp contrast to the dull magnolia of the table it stood on."
It doesn't exactly make for exiting reading but I though it's a good start.
I even signed up for a evening course at Reading college but sadly it got cancelled at the last minute :-( So I guess for now I will just have to keep practicing on my own.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
What's next
I haven't been happy at work for quite some time so the other week I asked for a meeting with my boss and told her that I either wanted a raise or for the agency (I temp through an agency for the agency) to start looking for something else. I was told I wouldn't get a raise and as such the looking commenced. Now I know i could just not have said anything and looked anyway but that would mean that 2 of the companies i would like to work for were out of the question and with the hours I work it would be very hard to go to interviews etc. Also and most importantly for me I believe in being straight forward even if the company I work for isn't, I guess I'm still a firm be liver that honesty pays and sure hope I wont be proven wrong.
As it stands the have now found someone else to do my jobs and in a couple of weeks I will be out of a job, the thing is I felt so much after taking the step so I do believe that was the right choice.
Now the problem lays in getting a job I want, I know from my past work history that I should not have a problem finding another job (the longest I've ever been unemployed is just over 1 week), but I also know that if I take any job to tie me over until I find a job I want, the likelihood is that I will get stuck there. Being a person that detest not working as it means not making any money I do have a tendency in the past to settle.
After getting RA and realising how precious life is I just don't want to waste anymore time.
So the question is what do I do now. Do I take a part time job to help me get along which will give me the time to still look or do I not risk it and take another crappy ass temp job with lousy pay hoping I'm able to still look for something else? Or is there a third option?
As it stands the have now found someone else to do my jobs and in a couple of weeks I will be out of a job, the thing is I felt so much after taking the step so I do believe that was the right choice.
Now the problem lays in getting a job I want, I know from my past work history that I should not have a problem finding another job (the longest I've ever been unemployed is just over 1 week), but I also know that if I take any job to tie me over until I find a job I want, the likelihood is that I will get stuck there. Being a person that detest not working as it means not making any money I do have a tendency in the past to settle.
After getting RA and realising how precious life is I just don't want to waste anymore time.
So the question is what do I do now. Do I take a part time job to help me get along which will give me the time to still look or do I not risk it and take another crappy ass temp job with lousy pay hoping I'm able to still look for something else? Or is there a third option?
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Don't be afraid of the dark...
I was walking home from Lindy hop this evening and it made me think about the dark.
My colleagues at work keep telling me off because I generally walk home in the dark, they are worried that one of these day I will be attacked by some shifty character. Whilst I of course appreciate that they care this is not something I worry about but thinking about it I realise how much that means I've changed.
When I was young I was really afraid of the dark, I especially remember a period when I could not decide if it was best to keep my light on or off at night. My reasoning had something to do with that if the lights were off the monsters could sneak up on me but if the light were on well then they would know where I was, so yeah that was a complicated time for someone afraid of the dark. I would also be really afraid when cycling or walking to the bus stop in the morning during the darker part of the year and would cycle frantically to get away from anything scary, or whilst walking would try to look like I wasn't afraid (because whilst I could cycle quicker then the monster I couldn't run quicker then them).
But these days I really like the dark - sometimes I even take the long way home through the forest and then by the canal. To me the dark is just very peaceful, it's all quite with no annoying people around and whilst there might be shifty people hiding in the dark that I can't see they more then likely can't see me either. It's like for a short period time stands still and you are the only one left in existence.
When I was younger I found this Swedish called Don't be afraid of the dark (var inte rädd för mörkret) and whilst I would read it to myself when walking though the dark to stop myself from being afraid I now actually believe the words.
My colleagues at work keep telling me off because I generally walk home in the dark, they are worried that one of these day I will be attacked by some shifty character. Whilst I of course appreciate that they care this is not something I worry about but thinking about it I realise how much that means I've changed.
When I was young I was really afraid of the dark, I especially remember a period when I could not decide if it was best to keep my light on or off at night. My reasoning had something to do with that if the lights were off the monsters could sneak up on me but if the light were on well then they would know where I was, so yeah that was a complicated time for someone afraid of the dark. I would also be really afraid when cycling or walking to the bus stop in the morning during the darker part of the year and would cycle frantically to get away from anything scary, or whilst walking would try to look like I wasn't afraid (because whilst I could cycle quicker then the monster I couldn't run quicker then them).
But these days I really like the dark - sometimes I even take the long way home through the forest and then by the canal. To me the dark is just very peaceful, it's all quite with no annoying people around and whilst there might be shifty people hiding in the dark that I can't see they more then likely can't see me either. It's like for a short period time stands still and you are the only one left in existence.
When I was younger I found this Swedish called Don't be afraid of the dark (var inte rädd för mörkret) and whilst I would read it to myself when walking though the dark to stop myself from being afraid I now actually believe the words.
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Have you tried this?
When you get sick you suddenly find that everyone seems to know how you can get better. People see you hobbling around in pain and they can't help but ask, which is fine but then they also remember that their cousin's husband's ex boyfriend or what not who either has RA or read something about RA, told them that something is definitely supposed to "cure" all RA symptoms.
This whilst understandable does get irritating very quickly.
So what different "cures" are there? well the ones people know about are mainly food related.
These are the once I have heard of so far:
Don't eat meat
Eat only raw food (this applies to meat as well as vegetables) and eat a lot of raw liver and fish
No Chocolate (this one the doctor tells you about)
No Coffee (and this one)
Eat fatty food
No Alcohol (also a doctor one)
Drink loads of milk
Don't eat any citrus fruits
Don't eat gluten (this means no pasta, couscous, bread, soya, pizza etc)
No dairy products (milk, yogurt etc)
things that grow during the night (this apparently covers potatoes and all rot vegetables)
Cook everything fresh, nothing frozen and nothing with additives or preservatives (this one ups the price of a weekly shop considerably)
No sweets of soft drinks unless completely natural
No fish (this one I find strange as it's been medically proven that large doses of Omega 3 helps symptoms)
Eat bones soup every day
As I am sure you understand the main issue with following these are that if you followed all of them you would starve to death! Also a lot of them contradict each other.
Now I have actually tried some, when you are in a lot of pain there isn't many things you wont try.
I have tried the no Coffee, no chocolate, no gluten, no conservatives or preservatives and all raw diets.
All that happened is that I lost a lot of weight, but then starving yourself does have a tendency to do that!
So whilst I appreciate that fact that people want to help, please don't give me diet tips unless you have had the same problem yourself and it actually worked!
Now do I believe that none of the above works? Well no, I actually think they might, after all one of the believes are that Arthritis isn't just a case of your immune system going bonkers but that it is actually trying to attack something that is hurting the body, but that it can't "cure" the problem, and as such end up causing more damage to the body trying to cure it then the actual issue that made it start attacking.
It would then make sense that perhaps you are oversensitive to something already in your body or "allergic" so to speak. If you then stop ingesting whatever you are over sensitive to your immune system would stop trying to attack it and the symptoms would go away. So yeah I believe that in some cases the diets may actually help. But in my case it definitely wasn't anything I ate!
This whilst understandable does get irritating very quickly.
So what different "cures" are there? well the ones people know about are mainly food related.
These are the once I have heard of so far:
Don't eat meat
Eat only raw food (this applies to meat as well as vegetables) and eat a lot of raw liver and fish
No Chocolate (this one the doctor tells you about)
No Coffee (and this one)
Eat fatty food
No Alcohol (also a doctor one)
Drink loads of milk
Don't eat any citrus fruits
Don't eat gluten (this means no pasta, couscous, bread, soya, pizza etc)
No dairy products (milk, yogurt etc)
things that grow during the night (this apparently covers potatoes and all rot vegetables)
Cook everything fresh, nothing frozen and nothing with additives or preservatives (this one ups the price of a weekly shop considerably)
No sweets of soft drinks unless completely natural
No fish (this one I find strange as it's been medically proven that large doses of Omega 3 helps symptoms)
Eat bones soup every day
As I am sure you understand the main issue with following these are that if you followed all of them you would starve to death! Also a lot of them contradict each other.
Now I have actually tried some, when you are in a lot of pain there isn't many things you wont try.
I have tried the no Coffee, no chocolate, no gluten, no conservatives or preservatives and all raw diets.
All that happened is that I lost a lot of weight, but then starving yourself does have a tendency to do that!
So whilst I appreciate that fact that people want to help, please don't give me diet tips unless you have had the same problem yourself and it actually worked!
Now do I believe that none of the above works? Well no, I actually think they might, after all one of the believes are that Arthritis isn't just a case of your immune system going bonkers but that it is actually trying to attack something that is hurting the body, but that it can't "cure" the problem, and as such end up causing more damage to the body trying to cure it then the actual issue that made it start attacking.
It would then make sense that perhaps you are oversensitive to something already in your body or "allergic" so to speak. If you then stop ingesting whatever you are over sensitive to your immune system would stop trying to attack it and the symptoms would go away. So yeah I believe that in some cases the diets may actually help. But in my case it definitely wasn't anything I ate!
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Thursday, 18 August 2011
The thing is...
I realise that I have not been writing for quite some time (October last year) and that most likely no one is still checking for updates, but here I am.
So why have I not been updating my blog you ask (or don't)? Well a lot started happening last year and still is, which is why I dropped of the planet, sadly none of it is good.
After my once in a life time trip I came back to the UK and settled in to my normal day to day life. Everything was absolutely wonderful and I was planning my next trip which was to be climbing Kilimanjaro, and was supposed to have been this year.
But as I am sure many of you know life does have a tendency to throw you a curveball when you least expect it and I got sick. I started feeling achy last summer and it continued for months slowly getting worse until I got diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis 3 days before my birthday.
Now if you are anything like me you probably believe that Arthritis is something only old people get and that it just means that your joints get achy when it's cold outside, sadly it turns out I was wrong.
RA can happen to anyone at any age and it's far more then achy joints. Some people are lucky and get a mild case where it means exactly that, they are in pain for awhile and then it passes (in interwal's) but most people have it far worse. Untreated the pain gets worse and suddenly you find that you can't even walk down the road to get a litre of milk.
There is also a not so pleasant list of other things you find out. For example your life expectancy is shortened by 10 -15 years and you are suddenly in the risk zone of getting a heart attack or stroke.
On a more day to day basis you find out that most people have to give up work within 10 years of being diagnosed as their bodies can no longer handle working and you suddenly realise no company wants to hire you as they worry you might take a lot of sick leave (even if you never take any sick leave when you work for them as a temp).
On a more personal note you find out which of the people in your life are people who will actually be there for you when you need them, in my case the answer to that question was not what I expected it to be but not in anyway all bad.
I am better now then I was when I first got diagnosed. It's hard to explain to someone exactly how crap you feel as it's not always obvious and most people assume that you are exaggerating. All I can say is that on a bad day I was not physically able even to take the bus to work and had to have my colleague pick me up and hope that you believe me.
I had to give up making jewellery and dancing and could no longer go out with my friends at the weekends.
Your perspective on things change, like a good day for example, a good day stops being what it used to be and starts being a day when the pain is manageable and you can do some of your normal everyday shores like vacuum or do a food shop.
I am getting more good days lately and the quality of them have improved a lot. I can walk to work again and I even managed to go clothes shopping a couple of weeks ago (which I haven't done for months), I have even started dancing a bit again and am planning to start making jewellery again too.
I am still waiting for a good day to be a day without ay pain and I am still fighting for that to be a possibility (how I will tell some other time) and I am still determined to fulfil my dreams and do the things I love.
I don't like talking about being sick because I don't like being perceived as weak, but I realise that everything in my life has turned into this disease, and I don't want that to just be a bad thing so I want to fight and work to help people like me in anyway I can and I think a good start is to be open about it to make sure more people understand it.
So I am starting my blog again and am doing so by telling everyone I got RA.
I am going to kick this RA's butt and I just though it was about time I told everyone about it.
On a more personal note you find out which of the people in your life are people who will actually be there for you when you need them, in my case the answer to that question was not what I expected it to be but not in anyway all bad.
I am better now then I was when I first got diagnosed. It's hard to explain to someone exactly how crap you feel as it's not always obvious and most people assume that you are exaggerating. All I can say is that on a bad day I was not physically able even to take the bus to work and had to have my colleague pick me up and hope that you believe me.
I had to give up making jewellery and dancing and could no longer go out with my friends at the weekends.
Your perspective on things change, like a good day for example, a good day stops being what it used to be and starts being a day when the pain is manageable and you can do some of your normal everyday shores like vacuum or do a food shop.
I am getting more good days lately and the quality of them have improved a lot. I can walk to work again and I even managed to go clothes shopping a couple of weeks ago (which I haven't done for months), I have even started dancing a bit again and am planning to start making jewellery again too.
I am still waiting for a good day to be a day without ay pain and I am still fighting for that to be a possibility (how I will tell some other time) and I am still determined to fulfil my dreams and do the things I love.
I don't like talking about being sick because I don't like being perceived as weak, but I realise that everything in my life has turned into this disease, and I don't want that to just be a bad thing so I want to fight and work to help people like me in anyway I can and I think a good start is to be open about it to make sure more people understand it.
So I am starting my blog again and am doing so by telling everyone I got RA.
I am going to kick this RA's butt and I just though it was about time I told everyone about it.
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