I'm not sure if I've ever written about this so if I haven't sorry for the lack of detail and if I have sorry for any repetition. I am currently on my Easter break and shortly I'll do some jewellery work but then this evening I need to go and build something and that's what I was going to write about, or rather how it's currently making me feel.
As well as a proper office job & and not so proper jewellery job (and gym & Lindy Hop lessons) I volunteer at a local art centre. I've been doing this for years and absolutely love it. Last year we had a project where we were building a giant (if you don't believe me look at the picture). He was named Bob the Flint giant and part of a parade we did through town with another giant, a chalk giant (built a long time ago).
For some reason not a lot of people were interested in the building of the giant. To start it was pretty much just me and the guy who had built the previous giant who was in essence there to organise the builders (AKA me). Some of the more faithful volunteers did pop in once in awhile but with their own work and projects they just didn't have the required time. Eventually I talked my boyfriend into coming and in normal fashion once he started he got all exited and tried to take over making the project his, which due to our lovely organiser was a no go. Building that giant and then walking it down the main street was one of the greatest things I've done and I was so sad to see it finished.
Then this year another possible project came around, we came up with ideas, applied and got in. And I was there right from the start. To say I was happy would be an understatement. I've cleared out my calendar for the coming months and everything.
Now I am here and starting to plan how to build this thing and it absolutely sucks!
Not because I don't know how to build it, or because I don't want to build it but because my lovely group is gone and instead I am the only woman in a group of men that seems to think that I can't possibly have any valid ideas for how to build something. Suddenly people I've respected can't hear me when I speak and what I say then gets repeated as an idea two seconds later by someone else and generally then explained back to me in my own words to make sure I understand what they (I) just suggested and obviously it's such a good idea because it came from someone other than me.
Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and so horrendously angry that part of me wants to cry and the other part just scream (incoherently) until I go blue in the face. I can either stick it out and keep pushing, knowing this thing I was so looking forward to and loved is likely going to be like being back at school where no one spoke to me unless it was to put me down and keep doing it, though it will just make me feel bitter and more angry, until I likely can't contain myself and will yell at them then forever sever connections. Or I can just let them win without a fight and walk away, which would be sooo easy, because God knows I don't need this, I don't need to have all the joy sucked out of something which was so extremely awesome but I know I can do this and quite frankly so should they so for now I will keep going, keep fighting back, and doing something which went from amazing to a chores in no time.
Thursday, 13 April 2017
Monday, 2 January 2017
Now I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, the idea that you only get one chance a year to improve yourself. I have not made any resolutions to myself this year other than the ones I make every day. To try a little harder, to be a bit better. It is something I fail at on a regular basis but at least I know I get to try again the next day rather than having to wait another year. And surely it must make a difference, to know I can do better, be better and to work on that each day. It is hard and relentless and sure sometimes it feels like an endless struggle but surely it must make a difference. I face each day no matter how hard trying to be a better version of me and I refuse to give in or roll over and play dead no matter the circumstances.
Not so long ago someone told me they think I must have a low opinion of myself as I am never completely happy with the outcomes of things, always wanting to improve it and that I judge myself too harshly. But I disagree, to me the fact that they don't think they can do better, be better, achieve more in their lives is selling themselves so very short. I am proud of who I am as a person, knowing I can still be more doesn't take anything away from that.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Gandhi