Monday, 20 October 2014

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

Things are a bit crap at the moment and I am surrounded by negativity, you know,  the kind that slowly drains you of all your energy and joyfulness. There is also this bunch of friends who are aware of the current events and who are (as friends do) trying to help, however most of them (thou luckily not all) are reciting to me the worst case scenarios hoping that will somehow help and jolt me into making a decision which I am telling them I am not yet ready to make. Like I do in most things I need time to decide what road I should follow this time around, and if I make the wrong decision it should at least be mine not somebody else’s.

But as hard as it is I am refusing to be drained or coerced into anything,  so in this midst of despondence I’ve decided to make a list of all the things that are still good and shiny. The things that gives me a reason to get up in the morning and to assume that things will get better.

1: I can make jewellery again and I am in fact doing so. I would like to make this the top three reasons I’m happy but as its just one item I’ll make it one point. I just wish I could describe just how happy it makes me.  

2: My RA has been well behaved lately which is sort of connected to point one and also deserves more than one mention. I am having a small flair up at the moment but its minor compared to past aches and pains and only mentionable because of how well I’ve been feeling up until now. As over the last 2-3 weeks its almost been non-existent, until now.

3: I’ve been volunteering more and it made me remember why I started which was due to the lovely people I met there. Hanging out more with them is making me happy :)

4: The people who has understood why I need to make my mind up and aren’t pushing me to make a decision. Makes me very grateful to have them.

5: The belief some people have that I will come out on top, simply for being me. It’s nice to know someone trusts in you.

6: Think I’ve gotten better at Lindy Hop. Turns out I’m more of a lead than a follow, go figures!

7: A minor thing but the weather has been lovely lately and it makes me happy to be outside. Simple but true…

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Maybe i'm just a tinker/traveller at heart

My nephew is planning to go backpacking, which I think is a wonderful idea. However its making me remember my travels before I got ill and how badly it hurt when I had to cancel my plans after being diagnosed. Its also making me think about the fact that I am a lot better now and in theory could go travelling, just as long as I'm back after a month (or maybe as bit later) to keep up my meds and blood tests etc. I have to admit I've been toying with the idea of going travelling when we get told they are getting rid of our department, not that I have admitted that out loud to anyone. However the sensible part of me think its time I decided what to do "with the rest of my life" so spending all my money on a last hail Mary might be awesome but in the long run might not be the best idea. There must surely be a way I can do both? 
Or failing that, a shorter trip that doesn't muck up my job prospects...

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Money makes the world go around

Someone I know who is better of financially than me said the other day that just because they live in a fancy house whilst I just rent a room in a shared house doesn't mean they are better off.
I get they were trying to make a point but my first thought was - well obviously it doesn't? And how little do they know about me to think that? Especially seeing the point I was trying to make to the person at the time.
I don't think I've ever said that how much I make is in anyway related to my level of happiness and more importantly I'm not unhappy.
Don't get me wrong, there is stuff which isn't great, but all in all I'm happy to be alive. There has been parts of my life such as when I was really sick with RA and there was no way of knowing if I would get thru it, were dying didn't seem like such a crappy option, but these days what do I have to complain about, I mean REALLY complain about? I got RA but its under control. I have a roof over my head & food on my table (which is more than many people can say). Good friends and lots of hobbies, I even currently have a nice job (even thou that looks like it wont be around for much longer, but that's a story for another time) and I am a smart & capable woman (modesty is not one of my virtues). Life could be a lot worse.

To me being happy is the most important thing to strive for in your life, because you aren't going to be around for all that long and you really can't take it with you when you go. Saying that thou, some peoples ultimate happiness is money, so go them I guess, but its not mine.

With my job currently being up in the air I need to find something else to do and the main thing I've been thinking is that I should find something I really enjoy. Problem is I'm not sure there is anything I can make a living out of. Ideas being living off my jewellery or open a café. With jewellery I could try and see if I crash and burn and then look for a job if I do (which I'm guessing I would because that must be so hard, to sell enough to make a living) but if I go for a cafe that's serious responsibility to take on, main risk being that if it does fail I end up in debt and as someone who literally don't owe anyone a penny, that's a really really scary thought. However I guess the main question is, lying on my death bed (sound dramatic doesn't it). What will I be the most upset about? Not trying to see if I could do it or trying and failing?

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Good vs Bad

Sometimes you look at the world and the amount of evil is enough to take your breath away. The newspapers and TV news show us stories about murderers and rapists, drug dealers and tyrants. Many times I have heard people whose opinions I value sound like they have lost the hope in humanity, in the face of this all consuming evil they just don't know how to proceed.

This blog post isn't about how hopeless things are or how evil is taking over the world, in fact it's quite the opposite. You see the thing which is easy to miss in the face of all this hate & greed is that the number of good people far out way the number of bad, it's just that good people don't generally make a lot of noise but bad people do. In fact they make so much noise that it appears to be more of them. Sure one bad person can make more damage then ten or more good people for example by blowing up a bomb or selling drugs or starting a freaking war! But whilst that is incredibly awful the fact still remains, most people are good not evil. And that is a good thing, a thing which in itself gives hope. I know that there is countless arguments about the fact that good people need to do something to stop the bad people etc. and I agree there are loads of things we could and should do.

But my point is, as long as there are more good then bad people in there world that must be something worth clinging to.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

O Captain, My Captain


Robin Williams


I don't usually get upset when someone famous die, I mean I don't know them personally so I feel like I shouldn't be. But some people, some people they make the world a brighter place for ever being in it. So whilst that means the world is a bit better than it would have been for them ever being there at all, it also means its a bit greyer for them having left.

A good person dies.
There should be an impact on the world
Somebody should notice
Somebody should be upset

That was a quote Cameron (on the TV series House) once said and it resonated with me for some reason, so much that I wrote it down at the time (years ago now) in a book I keep with quotes and when I heard about Robin it made me think of those lines again.

Its not just that I found him hilarious but there was something about him, something about the sincerity in which he made the importance of living shine thru, which sort of feels ironic now seeing he lost that I the end, and it makes me incredibly sad to think that none of us that he had helped were able to help him get that back they way he did for us.

And whilst I loved him in for his comedy my absolute favourite was actually Dead Poets Society which I watched as a teenager and for some reason it made a difference to me. Its odd because I do still find it sad but whilst it was sad it had so much hope in it and so much strength that it outweighed in part the sadness.
Now I am aware that Robin didn't write it and that I should be directing some of that toward the writer as well as the director and I truly do (thank you so much Tom Schulman & Peter Weir), but some people are the roles they play and he made John Keating. He made me want to find my verse and to know I wasn't wrong when refusing to conform.

When I found out on Tuesday I watched that movie again, and as usual I cried but this time not just for the death of Neil but for the death of Robin Williams, for him felling the same despair as Neil did and his own strength not saving him, for us not saving him.

But in the end how he died doesn't take away from what he did, and it never should do. It doesn't take away from the amazing people he portrayed or his amazing personality. His ability to improvise on the spot and in a speed that's incredible (his brain must have been working overtime all the time) and mostly his ability to make people all over the world laugh and see the beauty in life.

So Mr Williams, you will be oh so sorely missed, but what a legacy you left behind!

Thursday, 24 April 2014

So I might have done something stupid...

I've signed up to take part in Live Below the line next week. The challenge is to live on just £1 a day for food and drink for 5 days and the money collected goes towards the fight against world poverty and hunger.

The charity I've chosen to support is Unicef UK.  

If you know me you know how hard this will be for me! I have gotten a late start as only just signed up so please please show your support and donate. It’s for an extremely good cause and comes with the added bonus of seeing me suffer for 5 days.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014


There is something nice about the beginning of a new year, it seems people are filled with hope following the weeks after making new years resolutions. Whilst I find the fad diets etc exhausting and unnecessary there is just something lovely about how people are for that short period of time, when they feel they can change the parts of themselves or their lives that they are unhappy with. The possibilities appear to be endless!

Sunday, 5 January 2014

The Bridge/Bron/Broen

The Bridge is a Swedish/Danish TV series on its second season which is currently showing on the BBC.
I fell over the first series by accident when browsing iPlayer in (I believe) 2012 and absolutely loved it! It was way sadder than I would normally like any TV or movie I watch to be but the main Swedish character is absolutely awesome! So have been waiting and desperately hoping that BBC would buy the rights for the second season as well.

The idea is that whatever the crime is it happens on or (in this season) under the bridge that connects Sweden to Denmark and as such the Swedish and Danish police needs to work together to solve it. In the first season they were solving just one crime throu that season and appears to be the same this time around. As mentioned first season was sadder than I'd like and I am hoping this one will be less so. However I am so just watching this for the kick ass Swedish police office cause she is my idol!
Her name is Saga (which in Swedish means fairytale) and she has no social filter, i.e she says whats she thinks and means without first filtering it, she also doesn't seem to have the same emotional response to things. As in most scenarios or actions (but not all) don't really evoke any feelings for her. In the second season she seems to try and work on this a bit more, partly I think due to the Danish Police officer that she works with in the series. However whilst no social filter might seem like a bad thing it has a tendency to make her appear more genuine than most people.

All in all I suggest everyone should watch this!

On as completely random note I actually once started to write a Swedish "fairytale" about a character named Saga called  En saga om Saga (a fairytale about Saga), I still have it, just never finished it.  

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

2013 is over, bring on the new year!

So it's 2014. Sadly I started the new year with my cold from just before Christmas returning which doesn't feel like a good way to start the year, but what can you do.

As for 2013 I'm not sure if it was a good year or not. My job which I enjoyed thoroughly in 2012 started to loose it spark for a bunch of different reasons which I wont go into now, sadly work is a big part of my life and that taking a turn for the worse probably means more to me than most.
I had to move, thou that turned out to be a good thing (but finding a new place and actually moving was not).
I realised I want to do more things like going to the theatre and as such went and saw the light Princess which was absolutely wonderful! I've promised myself to do more of that in the new year, which makes for a nice new years resolution.
I took on way to much as usual, which actually was my resolution not to do for 2013, so clearly that failed, and found I couldn't fit everything in stressing myself out a bit. I let my friends convince me to celebrate my birthday and for the first time in years it went off without a glitch (seriously my birthdays have been jinxed)!
I made some new friends as well as worked on keeping in touch with some old ones, thou not as well as I should do.

There was lots of other small and big things but writing them all down would take forever (or it would at least feel like it) so I wont. In essence it was a year that could definitely have been better and I wont be saying goodbye to it with great sadness. However there was one thing which made 2013 quite special and that is that my meds are working really well and I'm the best I've been physically since I got sick.  I'm hoping that in 2014 I will keep improving and planning to take a holiday other than home this year as I haven't done so since I fell ill. I've even started to try and make jewellery again (just a little bit so far), but my writing has sadly fallen to the wayside.

In essence I guess my resolution for 2014 is to do more of the things I want as well as not over do it and most of all to improve my character and my mind as well as my body.  That's not to say that I dislike who I am now, cause I really don't, but everyone evolves all the time and I just want to work on ensuring that the person I am at the end of this year is better than the one at the start if it :)