Thursday, 25 January 2018

Last minute presentation...

On Saturday I have to do a fairly big group presentation. It was planned late and what I was going to present on was changed last minute so now I am sitting here at 22:30 in the evening trying to write my part of the presentation (which I won't get to rehearse with the rest of the group, or anyone else for that matter, beforehand). I am absolutely bricking it and may have drunk 2 bottles of wine just to stop myself from stressing out (which, as I guess you may be able to tell, I completely am doing). 
On the plus side I think I've started writing something half decent, however that may be the wine talking...

In essence, fingers crossed that I wake up in the morning, read it, and still think it's OK.

Thursday, 13 April 2017

Just because I am a girl it doesn't mean I can't build!

I'm not sure if I've ever written about this so if I haven't sorry for the lack of detail and if I have sorry for any repetition. I am currently on my Easter break and shortly I'll do some jewellery work but then this evening I need to go and build something and that's what I was going to write about, or rather how it's currently making me feel.
As well as a proper office job & and not so proper jewellery job (and gym & Lindy Hop lessons) I volunteer at a local art centre. I've been doing this for years and absolutely love it. Last year we had a project where we were building a giant (if you don't believe me look at the picture). He was named Bob the Flint giant and part of a parade we did through town with another giant, a chalk giant (built a long time ago).

For some reason not a lot of people were interested in the building of the giant. To start it was pretty much just me and the guy who had built the previous giant who was in essence there to organise the builders (AKA me). Some of the more faithful volunteers did pop in once in awhile but with their own work and projects they just didn't have the required time. Eventually I talked my boyfriend into coming and in normal fashion once he started he got all exited and tried to take over making the project his, which due to our lovely organiser was a no go. Building that giant and then walking it down the main street was one of the greatest things I've done and I was so sad to see it finished.

Then this year another possible project came around, we came up with ideas, applied and got in. And I was there right from the start.  To say I was happy would be an understatement. I've cleared out my calendar for the coming months and everything. 
Now I am here and starting to plan how to build this thing and it absolutely sucks! 
Not because I don't know how to build it, or because I don't want to build it but because my lovely group is gone and instead I am the only woman in a group of men that seems to think that I can't possibly have any valid ideas for how to build something. Suddenly people I've respected can't hear me when I speak and what I say then gets repeated as an idea two seconds later by someone else and generally then explained back to me in my own words to make sure I understand what they (I) just suggested and obviously it's such a good idea because it came from someone other than me.
Now I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and so horrendously angry that part of me wants to cry and the other part just scream (incoherently) until I go blue in the face. I can either stick it out and keep pushing, knowing this thing I was so looking forward to and loved is likely going to be like being back at school where no one spoke to me unless it was to put me down and keep doing it, though it will just make me feel bitter and more angry, until I likely can't contain myself and will yell at them then forever sever connections. Or I can just let them win without a fight and walk away, which would be sooo easy, because God knows I don't need this, I don't need to have all the joy sucked out of something which was so extremely awesome but I know I can do this and quite frankly so should they so for now I will keep going, keep fighting back, and doing something which went from amazing to a chores in no time.

Monday, 2 January 2017

Believe in you

Now I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, the idea that you only get one chance a year to improve yourself. I have not made any resolutions to myself this year other than the ones I make every day. To try a little harder, to be a bit better. It is something I fail at on a regular basis but at least I know I get to try again the next day rather than having to wait another year.  And surely it must make a difference, to know I can do better, be better and to work on that each day. It is hard and relentless and sure sometimes it feels like an endless struggle but surely it must make a difference. I face each day no matter how hard trying to be a better version of me and I refuse to give in or roll over and play dead no matter the circumstances.

Not so long ago someone told me they think I must have a low opinion of myself as I am never completely happy with the outcomes of things, always wanting to improve it and that I judge myself too harshly. But I disagree, to me the fact that they don't think they can do better, be better, achieve more in their lives is selling themselves so very short. I am proud of who I am as a person, knowing I can still be more doesn't take anything away from that.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Gandhi

Friday, 20 May 2016

Speak life not death

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week so I decided to post something different today. I'm a big fan of actor/screenwriter Wentworth Miller and follow his Facebook page. He has a wonderful way with words and talks a lot about mental health so if you are on Facebook and want a tip for Follow Friday he is it. He wrote a post back in 2014 (and recently reposted) which I think is important no matter who you are or how your mental health is. The post is about how what we say is either to uplift or bring down and never neutral, especially in regards to what we say to ourselves.
 "There is no such thing as a neutral word... Either you are speaking life... Or you are speaking death..."

I've had a lot of death spoken into me over the years both by myself and others which may be why his post resonates with me. If you got a couple of minutes today go over to Facebook and read it;
A Good Talking To

And I truly hope that when it comes down to it you always chose to speak life, especially to yourself. 


Monday, 28 March 2016

You get what anyone gets, you get a lifetime.

On Saturday I re watched the fault in our stars, if you haven't seen it do. I've never watched a movie which made me cry so much but somehow still didn't make me feel awful, just a bit sad and, I don't know, contemplative maybe? Then today I read what in essence was a eulogy by Neil Gaiman about an author who I have to admit I've never read. The eulogy was old but he linked to it on his Facebook page and me being me I decided to read it (you can read it here). The whole thing was beautiful and I can only hope that someone thinks half the things about me once I am gone (and hopefully whilst I'm here). One of the sentences that made me think was about when he would go and visit, after they found out she had cancer  
"Each time, I'd take a few minutes at the end and I'd make sure that I'd said to Diana anything I wanted to be sure that I'd said, because I knew I might not see her again, and unsaid things are the hardest" 
It made me think if I had things I'd want to say but never do and truth is I probably do. I think when it comes to direct family here in the UK I do say that I love them and am proud of them etc but when it comes to my family in Sweden or my close friends here I don't think I am anywhere near as good. With my family it's hard because whilst I feel that way I don't see them as much and I think we've lost a lot of the connection we had, not so much with my parents but with my siblings. My sister made this fly away comment the last time I was home and I realised her perception of my character was based on how I was as a teenager rather than how I am today which in a lot of parts is very different. I know she didn't mean anything by it and it wasn't mean, it just makes me sad to think that in their eyes I've not grown, all the things I've accomplished somehow doesn't exist because I did them so far away from home. It also made me think that they might not know how proud of them I am and that I really should find a way to tell them and hope that somehow I can tell them over the gap that is now our lives.  

As for friends I think my character can come across as quite cold, not because I am but because I say what I think without any emotion necessarily coming across, even thought I feel it. Saying you love something with a blank face apparently isn't the same as saying it whilst jumping up and down with excitement.  I recently found out that when I started my new job I was seen as quite intimidating, at least until they got to know me, and people know I'm not keen on human contact, which isn't really true but it's hard to explain that I don't like it until I truly know you, once I do it's fine, so they all just assume it's best not to touch me. I hope that the people who really know me get that I do care for them a lot but reading the eulogy I think I may need to go out of my comfort zone and tell them, just because I don't need it affirmed in that manner doesn't mean that other people don't.

I guess I think about death a lot, which weird people out. Plus I spend a disproportionate time in graveyards to take pictures as I find them calming and somehow reassuring. So many people (including my family) seem to hate talking about death but I find some comfort in knowing its something which will happen to us all even if it's likely to come before I would like it to.

Saturday, 11 July 2015

I could be anywhere else but here

I was sitting doing updates on Pinterest and Etsy when I for some reason started thinking about traveling. Being so much better it's something that keeps popping up in my head, thoughts of all the places I've been and all the places I would like to go. Last year was the first year since I got sick that I traveled somewhere other than Sweden and the UK. I had two nice short trips with friends to Paris and Marrakesh. However though it's hard to explain what I mean that just doesn't feel like what I miss. I think I miss the longer trips of spending weeks in a faraway place, and I prefer smaller groups of people and am  not one for going out partying or looking in clothes shops etc, I would much rather trek through a jungle or walk through a local market. So I guess that's what I miss, I miss discovering and sleeping outside or in small hostels, I miss meeting new people and just going off somewhere on a whim (probably because that's not something I do in my day to day life). And though I feel like I shouldn't say it out loud, I miss traveling on my own...

However as I decided to cut down my hours and give my jewellery a real go I'm not sure I can afford any amazing trips anytime soon, I know it's a decision I made and I don't regret it but sometimes it still feels hard. Money doesn't bring you happiness but it would sure help.

I'm still sad a lot of my pictures got ruined when I did my big north & south America trip but realised I never posted more pics like I said I would so thought I'd add some from Ecuador. I'll post some from Peru, Bolivia and Brazil too but will do those on separate post(s) . These are obviously just some of my favorite ones from Ecuador (from the pictures that weren't lost).

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Feeling always get in the way

Currently it feels like I just worry.
I worry that I did a huge mistake following my dreams and that I will end up jobless and struggling.
I worry that I wont find another part time job after this one finishes.
I worry if i do find it it wont pay enough and that I'll hate it or suck at it.

I worry that next year I wont have anything to show for this year.
I worry that I wont be able to find a well paying full time job I like again.
I worry that I will need to start all over as no one will want to hire me for a well paid job seeing I've been flitting around low paying part time jobs for a year.

I worry that I will turn 35 this year with nothing to show for it
I worry I will never be where I want to be and that who I want to be have to stay get locked away again so I can deal with all the must haves.
I worry that I have no one to talk to about how my insides wants to burst with worry.
And I worry that I should be quiet

not say
not share
just hold it in

But I know if I don't let it out once in a while it will just grow until its an immovable object slowly chocking me to death. So I need to at least write it down and let it out, to help make sure it passes joining past fear and issues and just hope that this one is just an unreasonable fear that wont ever come to pass.